This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
just got my tax refund and at bell. how do you say i want a grand worth of 5 layer burritos in spanish?
You're going to have to tell him your name isn't Ivor McTruckson eventually.
He managed to scream "cowabunga bitch" before he went down on me. Let me know if you still like him.
my sober ride is dancing w/ a fat girl. i might be awhile
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.
How are you feeling?
I mean, shattered dignity aside, not bad.
Holy shit my cat won't leave the lube alone
I pay 3K a month for rent, yet last nite I broke into the back of my building, scaled over 2 tons of garbage in heels and took a dirty freight elevator to my floor just so my doorman wouldn't see how fucked up I was
U know ur prob on camera right?
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
Just had a small freak out because I couldn't get my bra unhooked and thought I was gonna be stuck in it forever.
Blunts beyotch
What? Joints? Blunts?
I'll refer you to my previous text: "Blunts beyotch"
Randomize
