He's so far in the closet he's in Narnia
the recession has oofficially hit my standards.
i make out with random ppl when i drink he shouldnt feel special
That girl you went home with last night was dressed in a bright blue sweats at the bar. 205lb Smurffete FTL. Boy were you in epic form.
Shame should no longer be a word in your vocabulary.
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
You live 7 mins away and I'm leaving in 10 mins. At this point sex before work is impossible.
Challenge accepted. Be naked in 6 mins.
Indeed. If boner pill commercials have taught us anything, it's the importance of waiting until the moment is right.
Where else would I get life advice?
I just tried to pass the bowl to my dog for 2 minutes before I remembered she isn't human. It is 7:27 am.
Godammit I caught my hair on fire taking a bong rip
ugh, my whole family is going ape shit over my sister's pregnancy blog. I dont get it? Anyone can get knocked up! I had rebound sex with a new york ranger last night, now that is something to fucking blog about.
Family acid trip. They're welcoming me into the family.
What. The. Fuck.
Family acid trip.
I puked on someone's floor last night and then they proceeded to ask me on a date.
Randomize
