She told me I reminded her of the fair. And she wanted to deep fry my dick and eat it.
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
At the end of the night you handed the bartender a piece of paper with the word "VISA" written on it.
She definitely pulled a diaper out of her purse and cleaned up the vodka with it, where do you meet these people?!
I judge a person on how well they respect their vaginas... I can tell by the lack of respect she has for hers I dislike her.
You take your time. Wallowing in last nights filth is the best way to get over a hangover
Rule of thumb; if you ask me if my tits are fake you will not get to touch them.
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
Learn from my mistakes, you naive soul: Gay love triangles are just as dangerous as straight love triangles.
The medical term is prolapsed anal walls if you want to look into it with dignity.
I dipped out before he woke up, but I made sure to take the pizza with me.
Hey. You dropped and smashed your road beer in my store last night. Again. And this time you didn't even order anything. You just walked in, yelled "SWEDISH STYLE!" Then lost your beer, looked depressed, and left.
Randomize
