my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
sorry about calling you the devil all night.
Its what jesus would do if there were bud light in his time. I feel obligated.
life is no where near the amusement park it was when I was on Vicodin.
I just remember thinking, if she falls asleep, I'm totally eating that spilled chex mix right off of her.
I was just reelected president of justgotlaidsylvania
the scent of your tears make me crave pizza
It turns out my English teacher used to pose for Playboy. She's an inspiration.
I have no idea what those words in that order meant, but if you go to Florida send me pics of strippers
I ask for a dick pic and he sends a picture of Dick Cheney. Who does that?
He smoked and I was tired so left before we did anything. I literally left him high and dry.
She's still here. My penis can feel it.
Dude, I think she left with some dude like an hour ago
FOUND HER. I swear this thing is like a metal-detector
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
Long story short I shit on a sidewalk while walking with multiple people. Then sprinted around the streets of Tallahassee in only gym shorts as I tore my toga off and wore it as a cape.
Me and my boss just exchanged pictures of our bongs and such...I don't know I feel about this
Randomize
