and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
possible father of this baby just finished his test first in a lecture of 200 people. other possible father finished about 100th.
I'm rooting for #1.
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
I figure a girl that drinks as much as I do should always have pregnancy tests on hand
I will be going to walgreens soon.. nothing says trainwreck like pickin up a scrip for xanax at 2am drunk..
Ugh I can't even look at alcohol this weekend, my body needs to heal.
Yeah that doesn't involve enough booze, count me out
I felt like a personal hot pocket and all I could taste was cigarettes.
I feel like my vagina was punched by chuck Norris, a Brazilian chuck Norris.
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
There is a guy down by the river wearing a zebra print speedo and a sombrero, with a beer in each hand, screaming "This is America bitches!"
I hope you know, that by sending me a cat meme back, you've entered in a cat picture battle; which never has an end in sight.
The duel has begun.
totally just bought a bottle of gin with nothing but change
don't ever let anyone tell you that youre not 100% class
It's next to that place that has cock fighting.
Randomize
