Have you ever seen a 300 pound pregnant lady's boob fall out of her shirt cuz she's not wearing a bra? I have.
he asked me to marry him on one of those scrolling message belt buckels.... what now?
this is ridiculous... i look like a white version of MC Hammer...
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
yeah, but i heard shes schizophrenic
i wouldn't even care dude, i'd fuck her and all 7 of her personalities.
how opposed are you to picking me up at the bar at 11:00am?
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
You took my underwater blowjob virginity.
totally just stole a 24 pack straight out of the miller truck
sex in a hospital.. check
His dick is the size of my forearm. Would it be rude to ask to take a comparison photo after sex?
And by "have lunch together" you mean me giving you a blow job in the back of your Tahoe, right?
just spent the last 20 minutes cleaning out the soap dispenser. fuck. me. adderall.
I regret nothing
Not even Married Dan?
I regret one thing
Randomize
