I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
Waking up next to a 3 inch puddle of water in my kitchen with a bathing suit on...what the fuck went on lastnight
I should just black out in my front yard again- that was a great nights sleep.
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
No more. You can't have nice things, and vodka is a nice thing.
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
Well according to all the calls, texts, and Facebook messages, I threw up on you guys last night.
She asked me to dress as captain planet for halloween and told me she was gonna suck the pollution out of my dick.
My talents include parallel parking and over reacting about absolutely everything.. And drinking..
I made a White Russian but saw how early it was and decided to substitute it for milk in my lucky charms. This is what it means to be an adult.
Buying a new pipe this morning, and setting up career plans this afternoon. It's called balance
Dont you look at me in that tone of voice
I think I left my bra and my crocs in your room
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
Randomize
