A squiggle pen was my first vibrator back when I was young. I would lock myself in my bedroom with that thing. Oh to be 8 again.
I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
you threatened to puke on the table cause they didnt serve eggs Benedict
Now accepting hypotheses about how i managed to get a bruise between my boobs....
Def walking back to my apt with a blender, an empty vodka bottle, and a half eAtn drumstick cone.
There is a large, jolly black gentleman in the parking lot of my appartment complex yelling about 5am jelly doughnuts. I want to be where he's at.
And after getting thrown out of the frat house, getting carried up the hill for a half an hour, puking 5 times, and almost getting stopped by campus security, she still insisted he sleep with her. Gotta give her credit, even blacked she kept her eyes on the prize
I got shot at last night. Lesson about married chicks: learned.
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
it's finals week and we've been blasting country porch drinkin since 10AM. there's been like 4 tweets about hearin us on the other side of campus
I really feel like I should slow down on the getting hammered. I told a bartender on "Taco Tuesday" that a $3 margarita was too expensive. And proceeded to have a $70 tab.
My entire grocery store purchase consisted of Little Debbie snacks and Budweiser
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
they told me that it was glow in the dark and would make me magical. I was too drunk to say no. I woke up to a purple vagina.
its like a neon Im stupid as fuck sign
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