My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
I'd give my left nut to see you
don't do that. I like the set
and then you yelled "out of the way, i'm a lifeguard!" and everyone let us through
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
There's always time for handjobs
I love you. Happy valentines. Satin Patricks dayyyyyyyyyy. Alreadythrew up. Geeeeerait.
I'm pregnant.
The fact that this number is not in my contacts is giving me hope it's a wrong number???
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
I just want him to come back from NOLA alive, without an arrest record or stripper glitter on his clothes...
Those seems like unreasonable expectations for a bachelor party honestly...
You climbed out your own window and walked in the front door..
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
someone at the bars was yelling at the bouncer to let him in because he "just passed through the 7 levels of the candy cane forrest" soulmate?
go meet him and give him your number.
He saw me naked after our first date and still asked for a second.. so I think we’re doing good
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