I wish scraping a resin bowl could be considered cleaning.
He saw my tits then looked up and yelled thank you jesus as loud as he could
I am currently eating pure cake frosting...I am not sure how I was ever referred to as a responsible adult.
I'm in the line at the airport trying not to vomit on the person in front of me. Happy Tuesday.
I have shoes on. No pants. And my jacket pockets are full of ketchup and grass. Yes. Good night.
Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
Apparently we were arguing for captain seats so I shouted "who has your virginity." I got the seat.
They figured our he was high when he told the manager he wanted a break to go wrap his dick in toliet paper and pretend it was a ghost.
I fell asleep while studying last night and woke up smelling like whiskey and sex... words can not describe how confused I am
Didn't get carded at the bar. We're getting wasted and then walking over to Bass Pro Shops to watch the indoor ducks swim around. And possibly buying a tent.
I am drinking green tea.... My liver is in shock
My inner pteradactyl is also confused.
He was like, I wanna take it slow. I took off my bra And I was like, either we have sex now or you get out.
I opened my eyes to the dog snorting coke, I decided it was best to just close my eyes and forget what I saw
You literally brought me back to life and then fucked it out of me
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