In line at the arbys drive thru on foot. Legendary.
That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
And then falling down drunk the next morning, concussing yourself and splitting your head open?
That was pretty sad, but you more than made up for it by using "concussing" in a sentence
Nights like last night are what makes cleaning up the vomit in the morning worth it
He cummed in my mouth, then said he had to go because his best friend broke his foot falling off of a balcony, put twenty dollars in my hand and was gone before I could even swallow...
How long can I microwave pasta with a 20 percent alcohol content?
I know. He gave me a hug and i was like jesus i can just feel the std through your sweatshirt
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
I was changing in front of my window and my neighbor text me saying, "nice pubes."
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
we tried to exchange flip flops in the parking lot and fell over then army crawled home
you told me your favorite colors were "pink" "no pants" and "Mexican food"
Just want to apologize again for asking to spot your form in the shower.
Philosophical question for you: is it better to go into work slightly drunk or slightly coked out?
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
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