I am not having having sex with guys at the moment.
I can pretend to be a girl if you want. I have a tongue.
My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
Saved 180 Bucks tonight. Pulled my own tooth. More money to party with.
God gave me these boobs for a reason other than for people to throw things down them.
They live so far away from me that not fucking them both would have been financially irresponsible
I have surprise drugs for everyone
Douche bag was crowd surfing, sack punched him. Crowd carried him away in a ball of agony. LIFE=COMPLETE.
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
We smoked bowls and watched Cops for what seemed like hours. And yet I know I'll go back.
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
Closed my eyes in the shower and got really dizzy. Not sure if neurological or result of 4 day vodka binge. Send help.
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
I will teach you the ways of the ho life, my little gay grasshopper.
you're not celebrating your 21st birthday right unless you give a male stripper a hand job, flash the bartender, and win a free vibrator.
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
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