so i'm sitting in his room drinking tequila from the bottle and watching harry potter. he's jacking off to some porn a couple feet away from me. at one point i look over and see that he's watching me instead of the porn. please help me figure out how warped it is that i found that romantic
After watching Cinemax for a few months, real porn just grosses me out.
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
i came on her dog
Don't make it weird, I don't think about you when I'm climaxing, it's just that I see you rooting me on.
So you met him?
More like I walked in on him, drunk, naked, and doing "bathtub yoga". Please stop bringing your dates home.
Neil John just started open mouth kissing everyone to make sure they are safe.
I need rollerblades now
Rollerblades pick up bitches
I don't remember... but I heard a cop threatened to pepper spay my dick
my grandpa paid for my boob job but he just doesn't know it.
I can no longer play with you. I puked on my feet in the shower. I'm too old for this.
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
Shut up. I hate you. We're doing shots tomorrow. Fuck the consequences.
alright well you definitely hurt his feelings though you told him he looked like he was going to an Amish community prayer meeting..
I need like a billion tiny bottles of alcohol to put in the patron pinatas
Randomize
