Google if cops ever smoke weeds and then bust them. I need to know immidiately.
woke up 7 floors down in the lobby...i my underwear. New high or new low?
New experience?
69 is so not fun when his penis is sporting a 70s hairstyle
I put it into a sports analogy for him: there are three teams in the league- friends, fuck buddies, and dating, and the fuck buddies roster is full, pick an alternate team
When he was fingering me, it felt/looked like he was digging around for pocket change.
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
I think I have vodka in my lungs
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
My VP dropped me off at the Strip Club in Houston. Just said "I was never here".
I gave him blue balls & ate the last slice of pie so the chances of a second date are slim...
I like it here so far, only people are a lot less accepting of my terrible decisions and it's cramping my style
Ripping out my IUD in Dave and busters bathroom
Once you find out someone has a small dick, you never look at them the same again.
NOT PREGNANT according to the two dollar tree pregnancy tests I took in the tacobell bathroom. Come meet me at tacobell for celebratory soft tacos.
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
Randomize
