I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
just saw ex-bf. should he be more embarrassed to be a college dropout working at rite aid or should i be because i was buying newports and rembrant?
tie
I don't remember her name, but I do remember yelling at her from the balcony of the hotel room during her walk of shame.
Thanks for making me watch you dance provacatively by yourself in the bathroom so you could see if you looked fat.
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
just explained the breakup in detail to my big toes. that consolation brownie was Amazing.
I'll have to explain it to you tonight when i call drunk. It will sound better
It's been decided..lingerie is an investment. You get free breakfast and cab rides out of it.
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
I don't think eating half of a pickle out of my mouth counts as getting to know me
Apprently after I bit that bouncer, it all went down hill.
I have to take a quiz before midnight. Trying to decided if its a better idea to take it now when I'm stoned or later when I'm drunk.
new district manager is here. you need to come in early
5th mimosa says otherwise
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
Of course he’s dumb. He’s got a 9 inch dick! There’s not enough blood in his body for a big dick and a big brain. It’s science
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