marching band practice is quite the interesting soundtrack to sex
Phosphoglyceraldehydration... why the fuck is this a word
i say over christmas we have a beer pong competition with the cousins and see who really has the best genes in the family.
Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
He promised he'd be the first bidder on my ebay item if i went home with him. Worth it.
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
Are you scared? I basically plan on us looking like giant drunk skittles
It's like my butt was the only innocence I had left and now I don't even have that.
bring the dog... nobody goes to jail with a dog.
She just pored wine down the turkeys hole and said that she christened it like the whore that it is...happy thanksgiving.
We should. Taco Bell definitely gives me the shits though.
It's girls night. No shame, just febreeze
My orifices are off limits as long as you have that stache. Your call.
I pretty much just wake up, masturbate at least twice, and go to the beach. #Unemployed. I do look for jobs in between all that tho.
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
Randomize
