my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
i wonder what thom yorke's orgasms sound like
Sam Adams makes it so easy to keep track of the seasons.
dude this girl next to me farted in the middle of a quiz and denied my high five
bitch
Hey do you have a way to post bail? If not we can hook you up. If a police officer is reading this please ask him and respond in a timely fashion. I am concerned for my imprisoned friend
You screamed for campus security to do something about the police officer who dumping ur 40
I want to get my vag crammed with complete loss of every bit of dignity I have left by this man from every angle on every flat surface that exists. That is all.
I cartwheeled across every street... They tried to stop me but I bit anyone who came near me
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
I feel like if he almost got me pregnant once, i can at least say hi in a bar
On the shuttle bus from the Casino the driver refused to take us to the strip club so you said "let me off this bus or ill puke on you".
i was making a gravity bong in my room and my dad walked in. he helped me finish. i love being home for the holidays.
Who fucking spams baby shark at a sports bar
Randomize
