I'm afraid we're only dating because we're too lazy to look for anyone else.
And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
so this rather large man keeps buying us drinks.......then he licked my face....i dont really care though because the drinks are good. Is this bad?
Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
and I believe it was when I was running to class to take a test still drunk in my Halloween costume that I realized I have reached that point in the semester where I just don't give a flying fuck anymore.
Just fyi there is a naked girl somewhere in your house. I woke up and she was gone, definitely left her clothes tho
His birthday is on Valentines Day, of course he's getting a blowjob
I woke up in an ill fitting childs tutu this morning and the shower curtain is knocked down. Wtf happened?
So I told him "To answer your question yes I am naked making pizza pops in your kitchen"
You're right. Cause really... I'm in the back of his head. Even though what I said was better than "I have herpes"... I did once say that to him. So I'm like a reoccurring nightmare.
Like I don't care that he's a drug dealer, but I have a problem with his inefficient and ineffective business model.
Only thing exciting about him was his dick.
I woke up this morning fully clothed with a dart in my pocket
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
Randomize
