Friends don't let friends fuck ugly girls. WALK AWAY FROM HER!
When he came he sounded like a flock of birds hitting puberty
any advancement on the stomach flu vs. pregnancy scare of '10?
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
You're just telling me nice things because you came in my eye.
I took a shit in your bathtub. Nothings off limits
There's a Sam Adams brew house. How were we not supposed to go
Mom just posted ur drunk pix from Cancun in the newly made "My not-so-fantastic son" album. Thought you should know.
And I don't know what it is about weed making me want every episode of the real housewives of everywhere
It would just be icing on the fucked up cake we're baking, if he got me pregnant.
Hey ER girl, its the EMT you beat at blowjobs shots last night.
That is the scariest sentence I have ever read.
Like I feel like I use my high IQ for the wrong things
Hah I guess I sent that to like ten people, along with another one of me sitting in a bath tub eating an ice cream sandwich.
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
Randomize
