Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
The homeless ppl in LA are great. Theres sum guy that makes all of his clothes out of tighty whitey underwear. He makes bags out of them 2. Presumably 2 hold more underwear.
Do you know many girls there are in gay bars waiting for me to do coke off their tits? A lot.
dude. you ripped the mardi gras beads off the girls neck and yelled she didnt deserve them..
Yeah I'm a responsible adult man but I legally unbind myself from anything that occurred that evening and am in no way responsible for those actions.
I was more obsessed with the sweat stain on her back that was simultaneously shaped like a vagina and the virgin Mary.
He looked at me and just said "moist". The entire party shut down from uncomfortableness. He is an anti-party wizard.
She's going to hate me
Yeah well one of her many personalities always hates you.
The rest will just start to agree
I'm at an awkward stage of not being able to tell if I wanna keep having fun or if I need to die in bed
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
MDMA IS GREAT AND YOU WERE THE WORST GIRLFRIEND EVER.
Apparently I was directing traffic outside of Keeneland. Apparently I'm not a police officer. Who knew....
He pulled out the guitar, sat in tub, and took requests while she puked her brains out in the toilet. I think he loves her.
I've been trying to fall asleep with ice packs covering my vagina for the last hour... Sorry for being vulgar. I'm going to kill myself.
Randomize