Tell me exactly where it said it wasn't a unisex bathroom.
So I fucked an Aussie broad with huge feeders last nite 2x... Before banging her she was blowin me & I thought: "SHE IS GOIN DOWN-UNDER ON ME". Laughed out loud
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
At one point I went looking for you and found you handcuffed to a chair. I'm pretty sure you handcuffed yourself. I don't know how you got there.
The couple that wants to take me home just paid the bartender $100 to pour tequila down my throat. I think I'm in some type of twilight zone where stds run rampant and the alcohol floweth
He's drinking 50/50 vodka/water out of a camelback. Disaster would be a compliment at this point.
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
Living in the dorms has served one purpose and one purpose only for me: to teach me that pooping in public bathrooms is okay and that I can do it
My suggestion is that you just get high and set shit on fire
You had a fry stuck to your face... Every five mins you would wake up, take a bite, put it back then fall asleep again...
After we had breakup sex it took him longer to say goodbye to my boobs than it did to me...
He dislocated his shoulder trying to finger me last night if that tells you anything
I definitely don't have enough experience with hookers to be in this group text anymore.
His dick is a skeleton key. It fits everywhere.
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
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