meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
Apparently when you order 'bottomless fries' at red robin that doesnt mean you can go around to every table and eat all the fries you want off other peoples plates.
Do fat girls normaly have fat that look like a penis by their pussy?
What the hell did you do last night?!
I knew I was high when I wanted to write a poem about how great it felt to wash my face
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
If I'm going to start compromising my butthole it's going to be for much better drugs than a ventolin
They don't even know who I am but they just woke me up with maracas and invited my boobs to a kegger
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
His dad was on the tv delivering the local 11 o' clock news while we were having sex
I think we can say happy hour is successful when you have frosting and southern comfort in your hair.
I'm glad you threw up in my bed because now we talk.
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Randomize
