my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
No I'm not okay I had a crush on the singer of Tokio Hotel for four months and now you tell me he's a dude?
Just saw a guy from Kansas and a guy from Nebraska arguing over who had less of an accent. God Bless the Midwest.
On the one hand, she would be the biggest mistake of my year. On the other hand, she's here and drunk.
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
I only get commercials for vodka and Rogaine now. You're exactly right, Hulu. That's exactly right.
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
Currently shopping online for cardboard cutouts of various horror characters. That should teach me roommates to stop taking acid on Tuesdays.
She kept telling people I wrecked her brain. That high.
They gave me patron and potatoes I couldn't say no
He handcuffed himself to the keg... D is hooking up with him anyway.
You should never be more than a quarter of a mile from a working toilet
Preach!
How does one take the "you're the best sex I've ever had but I'm marrying someone that's sub-par in the sack" mind fuck?
I pity the fool.
Thanks Mr T.
I fell out of my bed whilst trying not to move this morning. I AM ADULT
I had ice cream for breakfast two days in a row.
SUPER ADULTS
I drank Dr. Pepper and instant breakfast mix together and threw up sober for the first time.
Randomize
