I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
I only broke up with her because the ex sex is amazing. She will do ANYTHING if i even hint at getting back together
she was eating donuts out of the garbage. enough said.
They just called to see if he wanted to come in at 2am for overtime. He's trashed. He literally carried on a 10 minute convo with his boss about woodchucks. As in the animal
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
nope. It turned out i wasnt the drunkest person asleep in tacobell parking lot.
remember how i yelled at you for inviting that coke dealer to the party?! i found the $100 bill they were snorting with in the couch.
..new slutty dresses or booze? i won't even waste time with the i told you so.
I fill condoms, not promises.
I HAVE NEVER BEEN FRIENDZONED IN MY LIFE AND THIS GIRL IS GOING TO MAKE ME QUESTION EVERYTHING. LIKE A GODDAMN CUNT. A WONDERFUL, BEAUTIFUL, MAJESTIC, LESBIAN CUNT.
Your feet probs hurt bc the cab driver kicked us out a mile from home after you wouldn't stop screaming "prohibition can suck my dick"
I can recall having this conversation with a three year old, but go on
I brought a travel sized bottle of baby powder and sprinkled it on all of the couples making out on the wall in the basement
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
i found 4 slices of pizza in my toaster, and a can of unopened soup in my blender.. wtf?
I just found my phone after looking for it since yesterday afternoon it was in the fridge.
Randomize
