One of my friends found 6 bags of gummy bears on the roof. He lives a building over. Apparently even hammered you still have quite an arm
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
This is going to be a 3 day beach sex fest. Do you understand
They called it unicorn pee, and i thought that was interesting so i drank it. Please don't let me drink strangers booze again.
You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.
Just found an unopened tied g of coke on the floor in her room... she thinks the maintenance guy dropped it earlier today. This takes the cake for sketchiest apartment.
Code 10 We gotta leave. Now. I took a dump in the upstairs toilet and its clogged and overflowing, and believe me I don't want to have to explain myself to this frat on parents weekend.
It was technically 11... But I go by McDonald's time, if they aren't servin breakfast, it's the afternoon. Therefore I can drink
So, I had a dream last night that involved you as an actual cloaked Captain America and a lot of weird sex, and I didn't hate it.
Does it get any better than dating a guy with a vasectomy? The answer is NO. No it does not
Woke up in a car, do you own a silver car parked a few miles form the house...hope so
I just wish he would stop trying to bring his emotional baggage into our sexual relationship.
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
U were so upset when the shower ruined ur nachos. I didn't kno what to do.
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
Randomize
