Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
so after all day drinking, we went to an all u can eat crab place and i was going from table to table surveying the crowd if they though the crab i was carrying around looked like the flying dog from never ending story...what the hell is wrong with me?
We'll see haha. The cum didn't work...I just chewed the whole thing in a day.
I hope you meant gum...
Nothing like a little anal leakage to start off Sunday morning. Can't decide if that speaks well of my weekend or not...
New major. Tourism Management. I dont know what it is but it sounds like something all the stupid slutty failed business management majors do.
you left saying you wanted to "go piss on that girl's doorstep" and we didn't see you the rest of the night
that actually explains a lot
I don't care if he got kidnapped by a cult one time he is a dick
God I need to stop before there's a picture of my dick on my mom's phone.
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
How do I carry myself in a way that says "I swallow"?
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
You came in, yelled 'i am from the future' then puked all over the floor
will a lunchtime blow job make it better?
I was puking for like ten minutes when I realized my parents were fucking in the shower and were afraid to come out
THE SUN DOESNT SET TIL 647 YAAAAASSSSSSSSSS. Goodbye seasonal depression hello regular depression
Randomize