I mean, you're like my second best best friend we're so close I can't believe you'd do that to me
I reminded them that I didn't puke and I cleaned yours up! So huh!
New drinking game: drink every time the guy whose room we are in is creepy
enjoy the hospital
I was in a gas station that sold tazers and I just saw a billboard that said "Strippers, need we say more?" God I love Georgia!
the bar tender told me i could keep an air matress in the backroom.
Just painted my nails at the bar... I may be getting too comfortable here.
So I've decided to grow a vagina forest. Because I'm single and it's like a zen garden. Brings a new meaning to long hair don't care.
Remember when we saw my neighbor taking dick pics of himself? He's back at it!
FUCK... Pulled a chick from the bar went to her house passed out on the shitter. She lives in a house full of girls. They were making poop jokes as i left
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
She told me she was the Publishers Clearing House of Dicks. Two dicks a day, everyday for life.
he pulled my tampon string out with his teeth like a grenade pin yelling frag out! That's why I fuck guys back from deployment. They'll go the distance
Drunk you needs to learn how to call sober me, so sober me can talk your drunk vagina down.
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
Grandma had me open the boxes that were delivered today. She got a sex swing, I've settled on "You go girl" as my official reaction.
Randomize
