Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
a cemetary is a place for people to rest in peace and you just spermed all over their land
you yelled that ur labia majora was swollen at 3 am in the dorm hallway
Hey is it bad when your boss leans over your desk and tells you "you smell like the Rainforest Cafe"??
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
She just kept screaming you name over and over. Im starting to think this is my alarm clock
You should get with him and swear you have to use lambskin condoms. That'll test his veganism.
Makin mac and cheese without you. Definitely seem to do this better inside you. Splashed boiling water on my cock
I am expending an amazing amount of energy to not throw up right now
I spent $31 at mcdonalds last night. Threw my nuggets all over the yard, ate them out of the snow, picked a fight about it, vomited, then passed out.
Naked.
His pick-up lines are quotes from Doctor Who. Of course I fucked him.
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
YOU DESERVE A GUY WITH A NORMAL DICK DONT SETTLE FOR ANYTHING LESS
my goal is to never have a bac of 0.0 the whole time while in the state of florida, which means i have to chug a beer before i cross the state line
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
Randomize