Yeah. He most definitely jizzed himself in the face.
he was so high, he talked to my goldfish for an hour telling him the dangers of overfeeding.
I wiped a tear off her cheek with my boner. It cheered her up
I just woke up to me licking the dognuts
You mean Doughnuts?
......No :(
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
just ran into a kid I used to hook up with while wearing his shirt. Only me. I tried to pretend like it wasn't his but it said his name on the back so I wasn't winning that.
I woke up to the sound of a beer can being opened. I love him already
Forgot to mention there might be a picture of me being thrown in the air while at a Mexican restaurant
Wait, is this the kid that tried catching a bat in your backyard with a flashlight and a ball of tin foil?
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
Let me put it this way - if I had a list of things I would like between my legs, she would rank below the cello I turned into firewood sophomore year.
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
Old woman told me I looked like her son and then she started explaining to me how she wanted me to fuck her
He came to my Harry Potter marathon wearing a Hogwarts uniform. Of course I fucked him.
ill be home in an hour. Be in my bed ready for disappointment
Randomize
