my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
imagine how many guys you'd have sex if you didn't recieve your monthly gift.
So there I was.....spitting on my goldfish just to keep it alive.
I have been drinking since 2. And I'm now chasing the cat around the house with a light saber. Anna's helping.
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
These girls just walked into this party as reverse cowgirls... Wearing cowboy clothes all backwards
Ive fucked up. im like a feral dog rabidly chasing an infrequent dream amidst a cataclysm of disaster
I was telling everyone at the frat that they had to try the "fantastic refreshment" that was everclear, vodka and country time
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
Just so you know in the morning, yes you did send your bartender a snap of your boobs. No I didn't try to stop you because you used sound logic for doing so.
Hiding in a kitchen with no pants orange juice abs a pillow...please joun
I haye tequella
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
Woke up this morning with a plate of ravioli in my bed. Who says being single can't be fun?
I have to charm this cab driver. Hold on.
Randomize
