If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
I just did something awful... i just had to tell someone... i just used my brothers electric face cleaner as a vibrator
she was giving me head and that cheryl crow 'youre favorite mistake' song came on. she looks up and all i could do was nod
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
Dude. No way. She insults the term butterface. She's a butternothing.
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
I've eaten cheese dip for three consecutive meals. I think I need to branch out.
I realized last night, I never talk dirty in German during sex. How much wasted potential is that?
It's a "party harder or raise your standards" kind if night.
GET ME OUT OF HERE THE DOCTOR KNOWS HE IS JUDGING ME I DEMAND A PRISON BREAK
tried to make it look like I had been conscious/awake and out all day when I stumbled into cvs at 6pm to buy plan B
update: I failed
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
I think my life is a one-way ticket to blackout city.
I'm starting to notice a direct correlation between blackouts and broken bones...
Randomize
