I admire the strength of friendship we have that allows for sharing husbands.
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
we are going to smoke at least three blunts before we go see Cloudy with a chance of meatballs. I'm going to have my mom make us spaghetti for when we get out so can your mom make those spicy meatballs? I thought I'd give you 9 days notice so everything's perfect.
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.
I just discovered the Reese's pieces and sourdough bread sandwich. No signs of coming down.
ambylanc
what?
there was an amgbulance. iw ish i was in it.
...im seriously confused as to why this doesn't make sense to you. Girl hostage, rob casino. Makes perfect sense.
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
My chest hair is, as we speak, arching upward to embrace my neck beard. The union will be a storied one.
I've seen people win free drinks for a lot less dude, no need to drop trou on a piano.
I think my pickup truck has been used for the sex... This doesn't sit right with me.
Girl i am always here for you. But i am going to have sex now so im going to call you in the morning.
Not sure how my purse ended up in the bushes last night... Or why there was a noodle strainer in the toilet.
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