You can bone my sister, but I will end our friendship if you write 'LOLERS' one more time at the end of your texts.
And if it was a miscarriage you should figure out whose it was. He must be an alphamale for his offspring to sustain life this long in the amusement park that is your body
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call
This santa hat i wore to the bar, served it's dual purpose as a vomit bag.
i found out she really is a mensa member
so she was the smartest passed out on the floor hair encrusted in vomit girl at the party
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
I'm happy in my shell. My shell which consists of keeping guys in the friend zone and me masturbating...
Well, maybe we can talk about it over a drink and some crushed up vicodin.
i got kicked out of McDonald's for demanding a margarita mcflurry
I just watched your sister pour half a bottle of cotton candy flavored snow cone syrup into a bottle of marshmallow flavored vodka, take a swig, frown, and pour a cherry coke in.
Just wait until she offers you a "powerita"
I would just like to say that I had morning sex today to the Hamilton soundtrack. So.
Btw, you owe me. One (1) orgasm.
I just sold Adderall to a priest, im not quite sure how I feel about this situation
just stepped out my front door and let the wind dry my naked body because I was too lazy to go search for a clean towel that may not even exist. I could live like this forever
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