$4 taco and $400 parking ticket. i am not a cheap date.
Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
yeah, but the first step is admitting you have a problem, the next step is kidnapping him
This is probably the only time in my life I'm going to be able to say I'm going to the hospital too smoke weed and play Mario kart.
as of this morning I have officially vommed on the highways of 6 different countries. It's a proud moment.
I just walked in on my sixteen year old sister soaking her tampon in vodka. I go to Berkeley. And they think she's the good daughter.
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
cops woke me up on the sidewalk and asked where my shoes are.. fuck if i know, im sleeping on the sidewalk! actually i didnt say that, i just cried until they gave me a ride home.
I be dancing. See you soon. You can drink tequila from my pants.
I just had my first lesbian experience. Out of spite.
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
Is it against health code to come into work half drunk and commando?
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
Randomize