I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
Four minutes until I can fart!
She woke up 3 seperate times, each time she had a look of pure terror on her face, she had no clue where she was.
You hooked up with 4 random girls, avoided your grilfriend finding out about it, and dodged traffic on Park Ave. Can you say luck of the Irish?
That sound you heard was the sound of millions of brackets exploding simultaneously
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
He looks like he has a penis
What the fuck
A good one, a good penis
oh you know, the usual stuff. getting kicked out of bars and sleeping in cars.
I'll be visiting the rave tower. Prepare your finest boxed wines for my consumption.
His dick is a skeleton key. It fits everywhere.
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
Would you by any chance know if there is a proper protocol for traveling with one's vibrator? I wouldn't want the TSA to rip open my suitcase in front of my boss.
If I get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to celebrate. If I don't get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to forget. Win-Win
Randomize
