we hooked up on one of my student's desks last night...i can't decide if i'm ashamed or massively proud of myself
dude you teach first grade wtf
his dick is like his red hair, amazing but useless
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
Because selling drugs to kids never goes out of business. We get older, they stay the same stupid.
Just saw a huge group of people walk by in there in their underwear. Too stoned for this.
My roommate said I banged on the wall and said, "this dude eats pussy like a champ."
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
me + whiskey = a bad person
People who don't like drugs and guac are not people I chose to associate with
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
Well yeah. Plus. My dick looks awful. So I would need to do some extreme makeover dick edition before even starting something so ridiculous.
I'm to the point of desperation where I stare at customers penis imprints through their pants all day
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
Your vagina is like Nancy Drew lately.
She was drunk at Red Robin. She asked for more fries and then shoved them in her purse while saying "Come on bitches, you're coming with me" to them.
Randomize
