What happened to our ballroom dancing plans
Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
We've been friends for six months, when do my benefits kick in?
Well, I now know how many glasses of wine it takes for me to fuck my neighbor.
please, i've had weekends with less dignity than this.
as he was fingering me, all I was thinking about was how lucky his girlfriend is...
i would compare it to sliding down a velcro-covered fireman's pole naked. no more bearded men for me.
You what they say. One dick in the hand is better than two in the bush
She asked if she should pack the condoms, I told her I plan on drinking so much that it won't be possible.
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
Like you haven't hit rock bottom until you have had to throw your own turd out a window
I came on her face and asked if she wanted fries with that. Currently driving to McDonald's.
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
One day no one will want to send me dick pics so by all means keep 'em coming
Holding your hair back while you puked wasn't a choice. I was handcuffed to you.
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