i just used a pokemon card to do blow. i need an adult. now.
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
Yes, that was me on the jumbo tron. No, i don't know why i was hiding.
He skyped me to learn how to roll a joint and for us to masturbate together. And you said a long distance relationship wouldn't work.
Numbies before the dentist, such a good idea.
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
A man just squeezed past me in a tight space and said, "Excuse us."
It's the happiest looking penis I've ever seen. It should have a top hat and a spectacle on and soft shoe across the room with a cane. He's a cheery little feller.
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
he just fluffed my hair and told me I had to dance with him because we were both gingers.
Fly, little bird! Repopulate the ginger race!
you bleached my bangs. i have an interview later today and you assholes bleached my bangs.
Emergency thong? Check! Suspension bondage is a go!
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
Does the girl you just banged want anything from Taco Bell?
Randomize
