Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
dude do u know what u did last night?
do i wanna know???
you totally walked in on some couple fuckin in their unlocked dorm room asking for directions to ur room...
on toilet. in drag. drinking coffee vodka. I regret nothing.
She was either really drunk or really not interested. Everytime I tried to ask her about herself she would respond with a line from Stepbrothers.
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
If you wake up tomorrow and start to wonder.... Yes you did just eat mild sauce from taco bell out of the package while informatively yelling about the loss of my virginity
If you wanna be a real wingman, create some insecurity and comment on that pic of all the hot girls with "Id do every girl in this pic.. except the fat one".
I FINALLY HAVE A REASON TO DYE MY PUBES BLUE!!!
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
I would rather her be sleeping with someone new than getting to go Harry Potter world before me...
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
Is it bad when your own grandmother calls you a whore?
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
Dude we were sitting at my place stoned as fuk then someone knocks on the door and it was my neighbor giving me a huge box of cookie dough. Magic of weed.
I'm drinking because I just started here and every single person I work with wants to quit and when I asked a coworker how she's doing she literally just started crying.
Randomize
