I just got my poem back from the prof, there's a sticker of a girraffe on it and it says "you're awesome!" ... How can this even be considered real college?!?
ahh summer, the season during which the prefix for every verb is "get drunk and"
there is mayo everywhere what the fuckkkk
sorry for throwing an entire water bottle of vodka at you. It was very wasteful
he picked an earring up off the bar floor and tried to give it to girls as a present.
Remember that foreign guy who never talked last night? He just came out of my bathroom when I woke up.
The last mom I slept with was the worst lay ever. Imagine fucking a hairy wet pillow for 60 minutes. Good luck with your milf. I was joking about the Susan Boyle comment btw.
work has become about six times more interesting since i started fucking my boss.
Our foot and a bit height difference is kinda fun, except she's so tiny that after we ate burritos it looked like she was pregnant. I had a confusing bonner.
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
The bottle of Jameson may have been a bit aggressive for a Sunday cookout.
Just realized I used a picture of my little sister to holler at a guy, only 3 months old and she's already my wingman.
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
All my friends are getting married and I'm pole dancing in a tattoo shop. I don't know how I feel about this.
They spent thousands on one day. You made $76 in 30 minutes. You should feel great about that.
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