my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
Its only 8 and she is already passed out
Perfect here is wht u do. Gently slip your index middle and ring finger into her butt hole but gently u dont wnt to wake her..let me know when ur ready for step 2
i just ordered an al pacino with double mocha at starbucks.. i'm waiting to see how long it takes the chick to realize what i said.
I cant even remember his name or what he looked like. all I remember is what the tattoo on his forearm looked like.
well, he kindof looked like a walmart greeter. I tried to stop you
I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
There's just something about a dollar tree pregnancy test that screams THIS WASNT PLANNED!
I wish we knew morse code and could knock to each other through the wall
I brought a guy home then decided no. Took him back to the bar and said "I'm going to drop you where I found you. Have fun"
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
Condoms and Ice Cream, that's all we need.
I'm gonna try and get through this weekend sober, which is gonna be tough especially since I've already started drinking.
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
If you left your bike out in front, I just watched some dude steal it.
Randomize
