I love how understanding people are when they hear we first hooked up getting high and watching nature shows
When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"
Wow thanks 4 throwing jello at me an yelling who invited that guy to all the guys at the bar
There were penises being pulled out everywhere.
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
Woke up in a wet suit with my junk cut out. In a strange apartment. Just found thing biggest bong u have ever seen. WHERE ARE YOU?!?!?!
Just stop talking to douche bags. How do you manage to attract every asshole within a 100 mile radius?
If i could answer that i wouldn't be so afraid to move to a more populated area
It's okay though. My mom didn't believe that they were mine cuz they were magnums. Having a surprisingly large penis ftw
it's like I can see my whorish nature reflected back at me in his wedding ring.
The other day I was really high and I felt like my words were coming out of my mouth in flowers...I don't know.
You were typing for me while I was hyperventilating into a paper bag on the floor.
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
the person she was housesitting for had a christmas card from charlie sheen on the fridge so we fucked on the couch and just slept in the bed
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