I miss Bob Barker.
Yeah, more like Douche Carey...
It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
have the fact that the early bird is danced upon by the prettiest strippers be your motivation
I kept reassuring him that I was easy like Sunday morning, not easy like "I've had 6 shots of tequila and haven't had sex in three months"
I'm thinking blowjobs and wheelchair sex should be part of any post-injury wellness plan.
i tied my phone to a string attached to my bra. i am NOT losing it tonight
Holy fuck where did this cat tattoo on my ass come from
this is honestly why we're friends. we drink tea and plan to do drugs together.
I need someone to sew my vagina shut until I'm responsible enough to use it
Like, I don't need to know your life dude. I just need you to suck my tits.
He was a foot taller than me and my hands were bigger than his, it's called Pity head
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
Randomize