My 3rd grade teacher, who was also my fav, thought i was in prison. That seriously upsets me.
Even after projectile vomiting watermelon on the beach, it still sounds appetizing.
She keeps stunt undies in her bag, 2 sizes too small. She leaves them behind so the guy thinks he was luckier than he was...
they drunkenly created an obstacle course for the poor hamster and its ball.
and somewhere between crying in her arms and throwing up in her front yard, we became friends.
Was in the middle of a keg stand, the frat guys dropped me, and I broke my nose. My mom didn't enjoy that call from the hospital.
I just said "okay we have 20 minutes to get each other off, ready... Set... Go!" and he picked me up and threw me on the bed. I almost came just from that.
He used the panoramic camera on his iPhone to take a picture of his dick. And it actually filled it. Pretty sure I just came.
Just made a memo in my blackberry that contains seth's funeral arrangements. I have a feeling he has big plans for the weekend.
She fell off the bed and giggled until she passed out naked. It was really weird.
Probably not gonna date her.
He yelled "Go Ducks" while he came
I shouldn't be drunk at 3 pm but alas, here we are...
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
She won't let me meet her hot new boy toy just because she thinks it'll lead to us having a threesome. It's not fair. I thought we were friends...
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
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