I'm tuning in to watch Heidi Montag crash and burn on the Miss Universe Pageant. Somebody call 911. and I'm not talking about the Sean Kingston song.
I didn't know it was possible to make picking up dog shit look sexy.
She did the bend and snap...
I just passed on expense account drinking, this must be the worst hangover ever.
Please tell me you saw the asian lady with the medical mask on cutting her lawn with scissors.
At least he's not married... I hate Halloween hookups
Most likely. calling 911 isnt usually something i do the first time i hang out w. someone, but hey. its a good story now.
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
you really cant fit homeless dj into your budget? doubles as charity
We took it as we must go to waffle house or else we will upset the gods.
Hey have you ever thought about fishing cause I'd like to go fishing but don't know anyone that fishes and I'm gonna cry because. FISHING
I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
Captain and coke. And it's not drinking alone cuz i have a dog
Did your grand seduction include learning to play careless whisper on a kazoo or was that just a hobby
I hate her so much I want to fuck her boyfriend.
Randomize
