I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
I kind of had a moment like that kid whose mom cancelled his WoW subscription, except I didn't try to shove a remote control up my own ass.
It's chlamydia! Thank God!
I woke up to him drunk-t-bagging me, saying "huevos rancheros" were being served for breakfast.
$150 bar tab covered by these tits. That's now the going rate. Keeping my bra on during sex unless i see the Benjamins.
I wore water proof eyeliner just incase the first picture of me of 2012 is a mugshot
I don't think you should be sorry for such memorable sex that I yell your name when you aren't around.
well apparently i was just calling everyone cunts. then i awoke from my blackout to 3 very mad roommates who didn't bring a key out with them
Hopefully this dress says "let me rent your house" and not "let me suck your dick for money"
oh. oh my god. i just had lunch with my mom with semen still on my face.
This is me trying to take a picture to send to grandma. At 4. We were trying to look sober.
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
A cop may or may not have seen my bare ass against the moonlight within the past hour
Must lick fork, like it's a DICK
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