it was like she was tryin to eat my face and i was defending myself with my mouth
He has 250 profile pictures. Of course he was a douchebag
I am like king midas for the gay community. everything I touch turns into a lesbian.
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
I swear he shrunk like 2 inches. Remind me that drunk sex needs to remain drunk sex.
If this wasn't a work function my tits would be out already.
There is a nerf war going on here. I just cleaned the blood out of the fridge
Sharing a bathroom with a guy sucks. I always have to set an alarm for the middle of the night just so I can take a dump. Poop text btw
We fed him just...so many bright colored crayons when he was blacked out. I hope he looks at his shits because this could be all for nothing
Making drunken Mac n cheese at 3 am I understand why witches constantly stir their cauldrons. Much more homogenized temperature and slim chance of boiling over. Good job witches.
He's not letting me leave till I cum. I am a hostage to my own vagina
You put on some guys Birkenstocks that were abandoned on the dance floor overtop of your flats. Then ran out of the bar high gives the bouncer and said "look at my new kicks" then he was like woah wait a minute someone is missing those and made you return them. You were very upset
THE SUPER HOT BARTENDER WHO LOOKS LIKE RYAN GOSLING JUST WALKED IN. BUT HE DOESNT EVEN WALK HE GLIDES. LIKE AN ANGEL.
dude i haven't had a solid dump since sunday and i still cant hear out of my right ear
Add tweezing eyebrows to the list of things not to do while on adderol....
Randomize
