listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
My face smells like vagina and Im on my way to court. Fuck.
A good ear swabbing is more orgasmic than sex with him
you can feel better about your life now. i slept with a guy who has gold teeth
btw he is cheating on one twin with the other. the main woman in his life has a mullet. I defiantly have either the coolest or weirdest uncle ever
I have never heard someone not give a fuck so poetically in my life. I feel like you should be leading men into battle with a speech like that
well I was pissed. first he yelled at me for having my own condoms, then he got mad when they didn't fit him. Dude, I only fuck magnum men.
He's cute when he's drunk, too. Also he tried to fight my door...
Things were easy when he was just a penis. Now he's a penis with feelings.
the bruises from climbing out of the window last night make sitting at my desk impossible. legit excuse to not study right?
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
COCAINE IS GR8
whatever, tonight I’ll be getting my ass eaten by an aussie so we good
I'm having to shit out rocks
Randomize
