I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
I wasnt that drunk. Throwing the table off the third story was totally logical.
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
Oh and you pulled your pants down outside in front of like five people, held my hand, then peed.
If it's not soft enough to fuck on, then we're not getting the new rug.
There is a literally infinite number of spliffs going around this table.
Delicious
I feel like I'm at a sushi bar with a spliff belt.
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
All I know is you walked out of the kitchen in some kind of French onion dip bra and started passing out individual chips to guys saying " do you dip?"
I'm not leaving my family to go to a strip club on good friday.
my mom snuck into my room, washed her clothes and made her breakfast. what the fuck she's a better boyfriend than I am
You know what else? He didn't even get to see my butt. And my butt is really cute. Car sex is awful.
Not sure who they are or where we're going but they just bought me 3 tacos so I'm staying.
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
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