did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
After they won there was a guy outside Magee Hospital yelling "name your kid Sidney"... that guy may or may not have been me.
Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
with your flexibility, and the size of my penis, amazing things are possible.
Interesting preview of what next year will be like. Side note, missing a chunk of flesh from my middle finger.
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
Well his ex just grabbed his dick and told him yep Ill call u later
I think I may have some undocumented and undiscovered std that causes girls to go bat shit crazy. How you got it is beyond me
The ketchup exploded, and totally splooged his face and the wall. You could see the outline of his head in the wall splatter.
Omg this is like trying to sleep on a pile of ballsacks.
I took the pregnancy test for shits and giggles, but neither shits nor giggles were had.
...its technically supposed to be for the bridal shower but I think I can find an ensemble that says "im hopped up on x. Stick your tongue down my throat." As well as " im supporting your marriage to my brother"
This weekend was amazing, 4 confirmed pukings, 2 cops, 3 hookers, one photographed t-bagging of the groom, and a night in an illegal gambling house.
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
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