There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat
I imagine my 13 hours of sleep after my 3 day upper bender was similar to Jesus rising from the dead.
I mean, I'm twenty four years old and I've never paid for my own drink. You can't say that any of your ex girlfriends boobs are THAT great.
We're having chugging races with long island ice tea, I won. To often
The crooked penis I maybe could have looked past...but no foreplay? Deal breaker.
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
I asked my boyfriend if he wanted a bong for his birthday but he instead asked for corndogs
the cheaper the better
And now let us go forth, and be garbage people in public.
Isn't that our default mode?
I'm more heavily invested in that tequila than you are
do you think mom is upset that i left with the stripper from her bachelorette party last night?
he tried to have the "are we in a relationship" chat last night. I stuck my fingers in my ears, yelled lalalalalala very loudly at him and told him I would stop having sex with him if he ever tried that conversation again. bad person, or just being a realist?
come pick your gf up from my house. she's sitting in the fridge and hissing at the cat to let her eat the potatoes. btw i dont have a cat
There is way too much butt cleavage here for a formal event.
Randomize
