Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
Every time I roll over in bed I land on a different vibrator. I feel I'm the only one with this problem.
He seemed like a really nice guy. He tried to dry my shirt because someone spilled their drink on me. I think that's how I ended up topless on his dryer.
also i think i should join the bone marrow registration when im sober
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
Well, I have a text in my phone that just says "Scrumtrelescent" from a girl I have in here as "Cheesy Tits", so you figure out how my night was going.
Fell asleep naked on the recliner spooning with my organic chemistry book. The fact that I made it through four years of college is proof that the education system is fucked.
I need a good cry or an orgasm and neither of them are gonna happen to me and i'm so frustrated
Go to the bar. Find a girl. Ask if she can cook. Tell her you have a guitar at home. Ask her if she wants to see it. Bring her home. Sleep with her. Tell her it's your birthday in the morning. Enjoy your made with lust breakfast.
The spirit of America is being too hungover to celebrate America right?
I can check masterbating in China off the bucket list.
I'm a history major and he's the descendant of TWO presidents. Did you really think I wasn't going to sleep with him?
I just saw puke on the road at the same stoplight i threw up at sunday morning! Makes me smile inside.
Randomize
