She announced her abortion via fbk
have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
I bet him anal if they won...the one time Detroit decides to win, it had to be this week
I just made Jack Daniels snow cones.
He is passed out on the kitchen floor. He will fight you if you disturb him. Just a warning.
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
You were too drunk yesterday to deal with me crying so I am too drunk to deal with logic.
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
Apparently I give handjobs in my sleep. So that's interesting.
After tacos, we're chasing women.
We walked 3 miles to the strip club. Stopped for roadies, it wasn't that bad.
You lost to your mom AND grandma in beer pong last night. pretty sure that constitutes a retirement from the sport
This is the most aggressive rendition of that Proclaimers song I ever heard.
Randomize