mutual masturbation is only cool if cash money records is involved.
He finally told me that he's married. I guess it doesn't really matter.
Big sunglasses are the new paper bag
ya. and they're way easier to confince girls to wear during sex
basically at this point ill snort whatever you put in front of me and just hope
well my dad not being home definitely made it less awkward to walk in carrying the bra I left wearing.
should my break up email to my English professor be in MLA format?
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
THIS NIGHT WILL NOT GO DICKLESS
I'm not a horrible person, I just see what everyone chooses to politely ignore.. And occasionally say it aloud whilst deeply intoxicated.
Imagine getting smashed in the dick by a basketball. A basketball made of metal. With spikes. That's pretty much what his dick looked like.
I need to pack up my vagina and leave. We only do bad things together.
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
Yes we can sext. I'm taking my socks off.
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
Randomize
