Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
I wanna do crazy things to you in a tent
fuckk wrong person
.. who was that for? a girlscout?
He asked me how my body knew that a month was up when it was time for my period.
I just had a flashback of 4:30am: me hugging the toilet bowl and you handing me a jar of pickles to open. There is something seriously wrong with us.
I gave him head while he watched NASCAR. My future flashed before my eyes.
Call me when you get off. I have stories about black lesbians in jail begging to braid my hair...
I woke up to his gay cousin telling me I had the prettiest boobs. I don't even wanna know.
I guess I made wings because there's chicken everywhere. Even on the walls. 3 of them. It's like a chicken grave yard.
Did you seduce any young men into coming home to your love nest of poutine and jäger bombs?
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
I don't know how it happened. All I did was tell her I was impressed by her presentation. Her nail marks on my back ain't going away anytime soon.
If I died tonight, I'd be content knowing you were the last person to see my boobs.
HOW THE FUCK IS IT POSSIBLE THAT THE JUNIOR HIGH STUDENT IS BETTER AT BEING AN ADULT THAN I AM!?!?
WHY are you masturbating to hockey fights?
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